On Monday, August 14 at approximately 12:54 pm, I discovered I was pregnant.
I had been feeling like crap for over a week, blaming PMS, travel, lack of sleep, and just about anything else that could make one feel so shitty. Pregnancy never even crossed my mind, it just didn’t seem possible. The night before, determined that I was having the WORST cramps ever, I had a glass of rose with two Advil in hopes to wash the evil cramps away….
On Monday morning, I went to 6 am yoga (with Ian) and felt like I was a different person. I felt fatigued, wobbly, and a little nauseous throughout the whole class. The instructor (Ian) was having us do a kriya breath and made some comment about “if you think you might be pregnant…”. I didn’t do the breath mostly because of how bad my cramps had been and honestly, I thought it might just make me fart really loudly. I thought it was PMS and that I was just really tired from the weekend.
But when I got home, I could barely stomach my coffee. I wanted nothing else to eat besides Cheerios. And when I walked Abbie to the park, I felt kind of lightheaded walking up the hill. A hill I walk up and down every single day. Hell, sometimes I run that hill. I thought maybe I had the flu. Or seriously, monstrous PMS. I went back to the studio to teach Mama + Baby Flow and as students were leaving the class before, one of them who I hadn’t seen in awhile told me they were pregnant. The universe is so weird.
After holding babies and leading new mamas through a yoga flow, I went home and thought, holy shit, I’m pregnant.
I peed on a stick and within a minute, two stripes were showing. I felt a mix of emotions. Mostly oh shit, oh shit, oh f*ing shit. I sat down. Got up. Sat down again. Started to text my husband. Then thought better of it. Started to text my friends and then thought better of that too. I sat down and looked at a period tracker app (yes, there’s such a thing) and by it’s calculations, I was six weeks along.
I Googled six weeks along and learned that the baby was the size of a sweet pea. Fitting as that’s what my husband calls me. That little sweet pea had been wreaking havoc on my insides. Wreaking havoc on my sleep. And making me feel like utter shit. Sorry little sweet pea for the cider and wine. I didn’t know you were in there….
I sat and stared straight forward for a little while. I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry or collapse. I felt fatigued and slightly panic stricken. And so nauseous. Though now I couldn’t be sure if the nausea was the news or the human growing inside of me.
Then I started Googling how to tell your partner you’re pregnant. All these super cute ideas – like getting them a t-shirt with some sort of “dad” joke on them. Or a special card. Or some other custom made gift. I thought, how did these people have time to make a custom made announcement? How could they hold on to news like that for so long? I immediately stopped Googling that nonsense and went and put the pregnancy test in a Ziplock bag. I tried to do some work but couldn’t focus.
Since I knew I would be teaching yoga later in the evening, I thought I should do something to get my mind back in the right place. But I couldn’t. I was so distracted. Finally, I got up and went to the grocery store. I found a simple “congrats” card, a gift bag, some kind of baby toy (an elephant thing?), some chocolate bars, and a coffee mug with llamas on it (my husband loves llamas but is not a coffee drinker). I also bought snacks and chocolate (for me). Once I got home, I simply wrote in the card, “congrats, you’re about to become a coffee drinker…because we may never sleep again…” and of course a line about us both getting fat. I put the little gifts, plus the pregnancy test in the gift bag and thought about how I would tell him the news when he walked in the door.
I sat there and stared at the gift bag. And thought, this isn’t real. And then, holy shit. Shit just got real, real.
After another hour or so, I was feeling so lightheaded and nauseous that I decided there was no way I was teaching two back to back classes. I texted Liz and Nic and asked if one of them would cover 8 pm. They offered to also take 6:45. I told them I had an intense “headache…” which is a shit excuse from me given no headache has ever stopped me from doing anything, much less go to work.
I hated lying to them but if I told them I was nauseous, they would know. And I wanted to tell Casey (and of course, Alyse) first.
After another couple of hours, I saw that Alyse was in Seattle (she was en route home from Germany) and I realized that I could finally relay my big news to someone. I immediately texted her a picture of the pee stick with a whole bunch of obscenities and then we hopped on the phone for a little while. I talked to her basically until Casey got home.
He came in the door and I was trying hard not to be too awkward; but I was awkward enough. I said, I got you a little gift. He looked at me funny. He stared inside and said, ooohhh chocolate. He was totally oblivious to the pregnancy test sticking out of the coffee mug, and I watched as he continued to rummage around in the bag. He finally opened the card and started piecing things together. He looked stunned. And happy. But mostly stunned.
And then we hugged…and talked about math…I mean, naturally, right? He asked me a lot of questions. I told him what I knew which was that I was approximately 6 weeks pregnant according to the intake nurse I talked to at Kaiser and that trusty period tracking app. He debated the math with me for awhile, not understanding how we could be 6 weeks along. I found him an article on gestational age to finally put that to rest.
The rest of the evening was a blur. I was a mix of emotions. I was happy, of course, but also terrified. I kept thinking of all the ways my life was about to change, how our lives were about to change. I began making lists of everyone we needed to tell…and how / when we would tell them.
And that’s how the journey begins…